Here are things about weddings that I find ghastly and thus will not be featured at ours:
- Getting ready photos showing that the bride is wearing Spanx or fake hair pieces. These are called beauty secrets for a reason people. My tummy is naturally and effortlessly flat. End of discussion.
- Garter toss, doubly if the groom is sticking his head up the bride's skirt. I would prefer if Darryl kept his hands off my thighs in the presence of our extended family. I get embarassed when my DOG sticks his head up my skirt, why would I be okay with my husband doing it in front of all my friends and family?
- Bouquet toss for brides over 25. When you're a super young bride, it's fun, all your friends are young too, whee! Pass 25, and that ship has sailed. Then you end up with a bunch of women in their late 20's and early 30's standing in the middle of the floor like a freakshow where everyone can point and say "Look at the Old Maids!" After I hit 25 I LOATHED this tradition. Even worse, being forced by the married "friends" at your table to go out and do it when you've been ever so discreetly trying to disappear behind the centerpiece.
- The bride wearing the veil at the reception. Veil time is over, let it go.
- The bride wandering around/dancing with an open bottle of wine/champagne. Do you really want a professional photo of yourself, mouth to an open bottle of Chardonnay? Sure it was cool when you were 19 and at a frat party, but this is your wedding.
- The Dollar Dance. I just couldn't possibly do this. Unless of course you forgot to give us a gift. In that case, I would prefer it be the $20 dance.
- The bride kicking off her shoes and dancing in her bare feet. WTF? You wear shoes all the time? And you've had months to locate and break in these puppies. You walk all over the office and bar hop in heels. Why the eff is it time to kick them off?
- The Grand March. If you don't know what this is, consider yourself blessed.