Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Famous Last Words

For those of you who know me well in real life, these ruminations on potential future motherhood will probably be believable but with several friends as new mothers and expecting their first child, it's got me thinking.  For those of you who know me casually or not at all, I'm sure you'll scoff at the following and say "famous last words".  And this isn't a judgement on other women, just my take on what I expect my experience will be.  Only time will tell.  And note that I said potential future motherhood, not like there's a bun up in this oven right now, or that we're trying to get a bun up in this oven.  Just that at some point in my life I intend to bake, okay?

  • I will do the amount of breast feeding that I do/or do not feel like doing.  If you judge me, I will cut you.   
  • I anticipate a Cesarean section.  Natural birth, blaw blaw blaw.  It's not going to happen.  I just know okay?  I've had these lady parts for more years than I care to state here and based on D and my's genetics, it's going to be an effing huge baby.  Like 10 lbs (not joking, that's how much D weighed).  That baby's not coming out the natural way, period. 
  • I am going to have lots of drugs.  See bullet above.
  • I am going to deliver in a hospital, no hippy stuff (though I actually admire women who do it any other way, it's just not for me).  I know exactly which hospital it will be.  I don't care if my doctor is there, if he/she is, super.  If he/she is in Hawaii, whatevs.  I don't care if they are catering to my wishes during birth, I hear women complain about this all the time.  I will take anyone with a medical degree*.  I will not dictate to anyone how I want my delivery to go.  I am a geologist.  If I'm drilling a water well in your backyard, I don't give a crap what you want/think about the way it should be constructed.  I will tell you to shut the ef up and go sit in the house and watch Oprah while I do my job.  In the same spirit, I will allow the people who do this every day for years and years run the show. 
  • Based on previous hospital stays, I'm good with the nurse call button.  As in "ahem, I was told this morphine pump would work every 10 minutes and I've been timing it and it's actually every 11 minutes, would you please adjust it so it delivers as advertised?"  If I am denied pain meds, I will cut you.
  • I will not freak out about my house being a wreck after the baby comes.  My house is currently already a wreck and I don't even have an excuse, which in turn freaks me out currently.  Having a new baby will suddenly validate my squalor, hooray!  "Oh wow yeah, that laundry sat in a wrinkled unfolded heap on the guest bed for 2 weeks, being a new mom is so crazy!"  Seriously, I don't have a baby now and I sometimes wonder why I even have a closet since it all lives in crumpled heaps. 

*Note that I do not consider people who graduated from medical schools in the Caribbean legit doctors**.  If you went to school in the Virgin Islands and you try to put your hands on my lady business, I will cut you.

**Note that if you were offended by the above note, why didn't you go to, say, a good medical school?  Too many keggers at the frat house during your undergrad years perhaps?  Yeah, that's right, unfollow me.   


Kate said...

I had this suitemate my sophmore year who was The. Most. Annoying. Soul. On. The. Face. Of. The. Earth.

Seriously... she was even more annoying than all those periods I used up there for dramatic effect.

Anyhoo, she used to brag about her Pre-Med shit and how her dad was a Senator from Minnesota and blah blah blah and then she went to St. Barth's Med School. Or St. George's.

Or some shit.

POINT BEING... HA HA HA Anne Sikorski, you are lame!

Christine said...

I love you. That is all.

d.a.r. said...

"*Note that I do not consider people who graduated from medical schools in the Caribbean legit doctors**. If you went to school in the Virgin Islands and you try to put your hands on my lady business, I will cut you"

I just fell out of my chair laughing. For real. Best post ever.

Christy said...

All perfectly reasonable, in my opinion.

Speaking from experience, labor is overrated and drugs are awesome.

Reese Lauren Bailey said...

I give a big thumbs up to all your points on mommy-hood. If you can stick to your guns on even those bullets, you will have a huge leg up on most ladies...just don't let the crazy pregnancy/postpardum hormones (know it's not a current issue--just when said bun arrives in oven), change your mind.

Jill said...

Bahahaha this post was amazing. I've heard about several women and their "birthing plans" going wrong. To which I say that's what you get for trying to plan something you have no control over. I'm all for c-sections and pain meds. Whatever makes a healthy baby come out with minimal pain on my part is all that really friggin matters. Hilarious post Kelly.