- I will do the amount of breast feeding that I do/or do not feel like doing. If you judge me, I will cut you.
- I anticipate a Cesarean section. Natural birth, blaw blaw blaw. It's not going to happen. I just know okay? I've had these lady parts for more years than I care to state here and based on D and my's genetics, it's going to be an effing huge baby. Like 10 lbs (not joking, that's how much D weighed). That baby's not coming out the natural way, period.
- I am going to have lots of drugs. See bullet above.
- I am going to deliver in a hospital, no hippy stuff (though I actually admire women who do it any other way, it's just not for me). I know exactly which hospital it will be. I don't care if my doctor is there, if he/she is, super. If he/she is in Hawaii, whatevs. I don't care if they are catering to my wishes during birth, I hear women complain about this all the time. I will take anyone with a medical degree*. I will not dictate to anyone how I want my delivery to go. I am a geologist. If I'm drilling a water well in your backyard, I don't give a crap what you want/think about the way it should be constructed. I will tell you to shut the ef up and go sit in the house and watch Oprah while I do my job. In the same spirit, I will allow the people who do this every day for years and years run the show.
- Based on previous hospital stays, I'm good with the nurse call button. As in "ahem, I was told this morphine pump would work every 10 minutes and I've been timing it and it's actually every 11 minutes, would you please adjust it so it delivers as advertised?" If I am denied pain meds, I will cut you.
- I will not freak out about my house being a wreck after the baby comes. My house is currently already a wreck and I don't even have an excuse, which in turn freaks me out currently. Having a new baby will suddenly validate my squalor, hooray! "Oh wow yeah, that laundry sat in a wrinkled unfolded heap on the guest bed for 2 weeks, being a new mom is so crazy!" Seriously, I don't have a baby now and I sometimes wonder why I even have a closet since it all lives in crumpled heaps.
*Note that I do not consider people who graduated from medical schools in the Caribbean legit doctors**. If you went to school in the Virgin Islands and you try to put your hands on my lady business, I will cut you.
**Note that if you were offended by the above note, why didn't you go to, say, a good medical school? Too many keggers at the frat house during your undergrad years perhaps? Yeah, that's right, unfollow me.